I Didn’t Drift, I Walked Away (And Didn’t Know How to Come Back)

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For a long time, I thought spiritual drift was something that just… happened.

Slow. Subtle. Unintentional.

And those seasons do happen.

But that’s not exactly my story.

There was a stretch of my life, from the time I was 18-25 where I didn’t drift.

I was angry.And I did rebel.

When Hurt Turns Into Distance

It didn’t start out that way.

At first, it was just feeling like I didn’t belong.

I had aged out of the youth group, but I didn’t fit with the older women either. There wasn’t a college group. No real place for someone in that in-between stage.

And after a while, that hurt turned into anger.

And that anger… eventually turned into distance.

I didn’t just quietly step back.

I started pushing away.

The Kind of Distance That Goes Further Than You Expect

At the time, I would have told you I I still believe in God but I didn't need the church.

And looking back, I can see what I was really doing:

I wasn’t just distant, I was rebelling.

And that road took me further than I thought it would.

Into places I never expected to be.Into patterns that were hard to break.Into moments where I honestly didn’t know how to get out.

That’s the part of spiritual drift we don’t always talk about, it doesn’t always stay “drift.”

Sometimes its much deeper.

Reading This Warning Now Feels Personal

When I read Book of Deuteronomy 4–6 now, I don’t hear it as abstract advice.

I hear it as something I needed.

“Only take care, and keep your soul diligently, lest you forget…” (Deut. 4:9, ESV)

Back then, I would’ve said, I haven’t forgotten God.

But forgetting isn’t always about belief.

It’s about losing your awareness of Him in your life.Your dependence on Him.Your closeness to Him.

And that can happen even while you still claim faith.

The Word I Missed:

Shamar

The phrase “take care” comes from the Hebrew word שָׁמַר (shamar)—to guard, to keep, to watch over carefully.

That word hits differently now.

Because I wasn’t guarding my soul during that season.

I was feeding my anger.Protecting my hurt.Following where my frustration led me.

And little by little, I stopped protecting the most important part of my life.

I Didn’t Know How to Get Out

There’s a point you can reach where you realize you’re not where you want to be, but you also don’t know how to get back.

That’s where I found myself.

Not just distant.Not just angry.

I was completely stuck. Stuck in the sin patterns I had gotten myself into.

The Grace I Didn’t Expect

And this is where my story could have stayed heavy, but it didn’t.

Because God didn’t leave me there.

I didn’t suddenly figure everything out on my own.

God sent people.

Family who stepped in.Family who cared enough not to ignore where I was.Family who helped me start finding my way back when I didn’t know how.

Looking back, I can see it clearly:

That wasn’t random.That was grace.

“Take Care” Means Something Deeper to Me Now

When Moses says “take care” in Book of Deuteronomy 4–6, I hear more than just “be careful.”

I hear:

Guard your heart when you’re hurting.Guard your soul when you’re frustrated.Guard your life when it would be easier not to.

Because drift isn’t always passive.

Sometimes it’s a reaction to pain.

What I Wish I Had Known

Looking back, I wish I had known how to hold onto God even while wrestling with everything else.

I wish I had known that:

• feeling out of place didn’t mean I had to step away from Him

• anger didn’t have to turn into distance

• I could have been honest with God instead of absent from Him

But I didn’t know that yet.

So I learned it the hard way.

For Anyone Who Feels Stuck

If you’re in a place where you didn’t just drift, you wandered further than you meant to…

If you’ve found yourself in places you don’t even recognize anymore…

If you don’t know how to get out

You’re not the only one.

And you’re not unreachable.

Sometimes the first step back isn’t something big and dramatic.

Sometimes it’s letting someone help you.Sometimes it’s being honest about where you are.Sometimes it’s just turning your attention back to God, even if it feels unfamiliar.

Before It Goes Further

If I could sum up what Book of Deuteronomy 4–6 means to me now, it’s this:

Take care. Guard your soul.

Not just when life is good.Not just when faith feels easy.

But especially when you’re hurting.Especially when you’re angry.Especially when walking away feels justified.

Because I’ve learned this the hard way:

You can walk away farther than you planned.

But by the grace of God,you’re never beyond being brought back.

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